this place

there are so many mixed emotions in this place. the anticipation the excitement...it's like walking into a calm storm that i know is waiting to explode into something way too big for me to carry. i am not their savior i tell myself. i cannot carry their burdens nor can i make their decisions. i try to find my own calm in the storm as i walk into my room that has always been my room and the pain in my heart, the fear in my tears that i try to keep as quiet as i can are still the same twenty some years later. i pray and try to focus on the freedom i have in Christ. my mind wanders wondering why He has chosen me as His daughter and how easy it would be to slip into something anything where i could escape but i am reminded that He has always comforted me and will continue to do so. i don't really want to be here anymore. i take on more than i should each time i come back. it's like i have to reclaim my freedom every time i leave. there are strongholds that are so tightly bound here that it makes it so hard to breath. there are ten bricks in my chest right now and i ask they be lifted. some bricks are old and have been there many years and yet others disappeared and came back in pieces that seem to weigh more than the whole and some are new. the new ones are lighter at least for now they are but i'm sure they too will get heavier with time.

a true labor of love

Amazingness at it's best...this song made me weep the first time I heard it and still brings tears each time I hear it. This is Christmas without the glitz and pompous attitude that our culture has made it to be. It's raw with the reality of the birth of our saviour.

Passion to glorify Him, that's all you need

I've been struggling with finding passion in what I do for some time now. We've been on a sermon series at church called "in between" and we've been going through Exodus and the journey of Moses and the Israelites. Sometimes I feel like Moses and other times I feel like the whinning Israelites.

So here's my scrambled train of thought and how the Lord has been speaking to me over the past few days. God has given the Israelites a promise and he has given me a promise too. The promise is being fulfilled daily as he provides for the Israelites and for me. The Israelites still whine and are unsatisfied with where they currently are and well, that's me too. So I was thinking about the Israelites and what was going on spiritually with them. I was really thinking about this "in between" time of waiting and obedience. Even though it seems simple it dawned on me that even though I might have lost passion for what I do, irregardless of that my first passion should be to glorify the Lord and that should be enough. So I started my day with that attitude and boy is it hard sometimes. I found myself throughout the day slipping into "whinny Israelite" mode. So for now I'll continue to walk in the Lord's will during this "in between" time and strive to glorify Him each day even on the toughest of days.

a challenging Sunday

I work in advertising or should I say I am a slave to advertising. Today at church, Pastor Jonathan spoke about keeping the Sabbath day holy. And not legalistically as most might understand this. It hit me hard because even now I am working, so you see why I was so convicted. Right now just taking a break to vent and process what I heard today. So we should keep the Sabbath day holy because doing so glorifies the Lord. He rejoices in us resting in Him and we need it. I know I need it...time and time again I've seen how my body, mind and spirit just can't run at the pace this industry demands. So I'm left thinking how to find that balance...it's really not acceptable to say you can't meet a deadline; yet I am challenged and I desire to honor my Father in heaven.

a new favorite song

Hillsong United's new CD is filled with powerful lyrics. So far this is one of my favorites!

Desert Song

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer and my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

you have called us to greatness

yet we continually fall short of that. the demands of the day were too much and instead of having a good attitude about it i got grumpy. which only makes things worse. on top of work that needs to get done still at some point tonight there was class that i had to attend. a three hour lecture that i really had no intention of going to because of the pile of work that was waiting for me when i got home. but God was whispering to go until finally i jumped in my car and headed to class even though i was already late. on my way there i might have shed a few tears and i thought well i'll stay for about an hour and then head back to get my work done. i think i was mostly disappointed in myself because ONE i was not in the best of moods and TWO i don't want work to interfere with my class but it does. i got to class, sat down and was still in a sour mood but THEN the lecture got good and i knew i was sitting there because God had lots to tell me. "missions exist because worship doesn't" i heard the lecturer say. good ole' John Piper statements never grow old. that wasn't everything, the woman was full of great stories from her experience - struggles and triumphs - that were ultimately all for His glory. i'm excited about the stories that i'll get to share some day.

This Post is for...

...Lauren Tate!

Because she's sad I haven't written in a long while.  

The past few months have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, trials, blessings and miracles are rolled up together.  What can I say...I do feel like I've grown through it all. 

I'm moving finally - after four years of living by myself to a house that has been in the family of friends that I've made in Charlotte for several years now.  We call it "The Nut" and I'll be living there with my great friend Jenn!  

Getting back to the beginning about the rollercoaster ride; I don't think I've written in such a long time because so much has happened and I don't know how to succinctly put it into words. So maybe I'll get to it some day.  But for now it resides in my heart and mind and in the ears of some of my closest friends. So I leave it at that.  

Adios!